During Andrew's stay in the NICU, every day seemed like the longest day of our lives. Between a full day of work, constant calls to the nurses, an afternoon visit, driving to/from the hospital, pumping for milk, and continual anxiety about his status, time seemed to stretch. It definitely felt like a long five months.
Now that it's over, however, the experience seems to be compressed in my memory. While people were here for Thanksgiving, I found myself telling stories or referring to events that took place "a month or two ago." When I went back and thought harder about those particular events, I realized that they all took place before Andrew was born, without exception. It's as if the entire five months has condensed into a month in my mind. I suppose this phenomenon came about because our normal lives were on pause while dealing with this ordeal; it's as if someone just hit the "Play" button again.
I don't know how this will feel as we move forward. One one hand, I feel like we've lost time and need to catch up with our lives. On the other, I wouldn't give up the memory of a single day spent with Andrew. I worry about what would have happened if he had made it and we had gone through the entire process of getting out of the hospital and dealing with longer-term issues; I fear that we would've lost years of our lives, and lost some of ourselves in the process. As it is, I feel like we got to spend some wonderful time with Andrew, but didn't lose our personalities in the process. Our lives have been enriched, rather than devastated.
I believe that the human experience, when faced with extreme life challenges, enters into hyper- sensitivity mode to protect onself and our loved ones. All other experiences are tucked away awaiting to be recollected when we are more intune to accepting their presence. As they say time seems to stand still...and then life gets in the way.
ReplyDeleteTime and love will be your healer -and your gentle words and photos gratefully enhance our continued relationship with you and your beautiful son.
Thank you for continuing to write and share...
Dear D & J-- I am sad for your loss, but a sad that is also grateful-- you have been such wonderful parents; your attentive, loving, thoughtful, and kind nature in caring for Drew has been inspiring for me. Even now, after you made what can only be the hardest decision a parent has to make, you continue to think about ways Andrew's life can continue to help others. Thank you for asking for my ideas these last 5 months. While I don't know what any of it meant to you, you taught me more than I could ever teach you. Best wishes-- Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful to have friends like you.
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